Well, hello. Hello. Welcome to the hallway podcast. We are so glad that you were with us today. I am Berlin mansion. I am Allene white. And we are here on a, fairly sunny day in St. Andrews, Scotland. Yeah. I mean, I would call it gray, but. I think you would. You would call it beautiful summer day. I think, well, I don't know. I'm from Florida. You're from California. All right. I just think you've acclimated a little better than I. To be honest. Scottish way. It is bagpipes, kilts. And. Uh, denial about the weather. That's right. I'm here for all of it. All right. So we are here with you all today to talk about why it is so important. To be cared for in the hallway. Which can seem, I think, to some people like an odd thing, like why is that where we're starting? Right but for me in my own personal work, the work I do with clients. And kind of the research I've done over the last. 20 years. I know I'm getting so old. Say it with a shelter. I know we did both shutter a little bit. Um, It's the place where I think starting is so important because without it, you don't have the foundation upon which everything else can rest. And so a lot of the other things you do to. Navigate the hallway to be in the hallway to understand the whole way. It's like, it almost doesn't have somewhere to. Hold. Yeah. And so we wanted to talk about that first. And before we get into the company, what I call the components of care. We wanted to talk a little bit about being cared for in general. Yeah. Yeah. One of the things you said when we were talking earlier, I had made the joke about. You know, it's kind of like putting your own oxygen mask on. Yeah. Your favorite term? Hate it. Tell me about that. Tell me why you hate it. Yeah. Um, I think that. At this point, I have to hold back, you know, an eye-roll and like a metal, the flip and the bird. At least just behind my back. In front of their face, you know? Uh, it's just because I think that. It's really easy to say, Hey. Make sure you put your own oxygen mask on first. You know, the plane's going down. Ah, yes, of course. But of course, and, um, I think when the plane is going down, you're like screaming out. Grappling for something to hold on to. And. Um, you know, Obviously you're thinking in survival mode about the people around you. And, um, It is such a important concept as well. Um, but for me, my experience has been growing up and just kind of how I've been trained that putting on your own oxygen mask is a bit of a luxury. It's a self care. And sometimes self care can be a term that does present, you know, a bit of like, ah, luxury, you know, let me make some rose pedals in a bath for myself. Self-care right. Uh, which, Hey, great. Um, but if we only just jumped to the luxury part of it for me, I tend to neglect all of it. I just put it all in one lump sum. Right. And I say caring for myself as is a luxury that I don't have right now, you know, and then, and that's how I have. You know, really my nervous system, my limbic system has been trained pretty much all my life. Um, because I've had to do so much managing of environment and people and all of that. That's my survival rather than myself. Yeah. Tending to myself. Um, so you're basically talking about the roots of like your own trauma that's right. And how that has said, like, It is a luxury to put on your mask first. Yeah. And when people say it too, you're like, sure, buddy. Yeah. Thanks so much. That was helpful. Right. One of the things that, um, I have a writer that I love a lot named Sarah Bessey and one of the things she, I think in her book, miracles and other reasonable things. He talks about his, one of her friends said beware of self comfort instead of self care. Right. And I don't, that's not the direct quote, but that's kind of the gist. And I think that's such a beautiful way of putting it because self care. Is really about tending to yourself the way that a. Very kind parent. Would Carrie care for a child that they adore. More than anything. Yes. And self comfort is about numbing. Yes. And so I think that's a really good piece. You brought up at the beginning to say like, what we're talking about. Yes. Is self-care. Yes. Um, now do you and I, and our humanness also self comfort. Yes. Hills to the. We're also human welcome. So I think starting with, okay, so what do we know about self care? Why are we starting here? And then we're going to have a couple of episodes where we break the foundational ones down. And allow people, you all our listeners to start there with, okay. I'm in the hallway. What do I do first? Absolutely. Yeah. So could we back up from there? And Berlin. Could you tell us. All of your 20 years of experience, just distill that down and do a few minutes. Yes, I would love to. That sounds easy. Okay. So. We talked about when we did my intro that I worked, you know, started working with teenage girls, then moved to women. And as I started doing research, I came across. To kind of pivotal points of information that became the basis for my dissertation. One was the seven dimensions of wellness that were developed in 1976 by Dr. William Hitler. And those seven dimensions were physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, environmental, social, and occupational. From there. I started kind of researching how people have taken that and tweaked them a little bit. Based on like faith community or what you're wanting to apply it to. I also, my, I chose the place to do my internship in North Dakota. No wonder you think this is sunny. Stockholm syndrome. Um, so I chose North Dakota because the counseling center there at the university followed the seven dimensions of wellness and all of their care for students in theory. And so that's what attracted me to it is that it went along with what I was writing my dissertation on. So I looked at those seven dimensions. I tweaked them for my dissertation based on the research I was doing. That to be honest. T 20 years later, I can't totally remember. I have it in a leather bound book upstairs. If any of you are really interested, I'll sing you some screenshots. Just let me know. And then the second piece of information that I came across, because again, I was researching women was a woman, um, in UCLA, I believe named Shelley Taylor, she and her colleagues. Started researching difference in. Gendered responses to long-term stress, not acute stress, but long-term stress because in response to acute stress, you have a lot of cortisol. Right, but for women in response to long-term stress, oddly enough, we had presence of oxytocin and vasopressin in our systems. Which indicates and need to be close. And a need to take care of things. So her model was called the tendon befriend model. And it basically says that women will tend to their offspring, which in modern day could be what your it's basically what you're passionate about or what you give your time and heart to. Yeah. As opposed to. Solely children, right. And then befriend, which means we make communities. We look to community of other women to be support. In response to long-term stress. So for me, I was like, that's really important for women to look at that. Vocational and relational components of care. When we're talking specifically about women, right? Yeah. So those two things became kind of how my research then I did a bunch of research are drove around the U S, which is how I went to so many states. Oh, there you go. I went to so many states because I, um, Was driving around doing research for my dissertation, interviewing women, giving them surveys, et cetera. And so. That my dissertation ended up becoming, you know, women's wellness center. Over time in my career. Especially in 2022, I started working with a coach and we started talking about, or she started talking to me about how the word wellness. Has kind of been hijacked by social media. And now it has become, I think, part of the snake oil society. A little bit. Everybody wants to get their money. The snake oil society for me is all of the people that tell women so much crap about who they need to be and what they need to look like. And there are so many members. Of the snake oil society. And I didn't want to be connected. Yeah to the snake oil society. So we were talking about like, what word could we use instead of wellness, even though that's what my dissertation was. Yeah. What does it look like now? And she asked me very kindly. Have you ever noticed how many times a day you use the term cared for? And I was like, no, she was like, okay, why don't you just. Count it. And one day I counted it and I was like, so it's a lot. Yeah. It's like multiple times in a session. Wow. And so we moved from wellness to cared for, and the cared for components are still very connected to those dimensions of wellness. But I think it's just a way to make it approachable. Right. And so that's kind of how we got here is. Alongside that is a lot of work with women and some men. Yeah. And for men. I don't want to leave y'all out. Um, over, you know, I don't know, 16 years of practice now. Um, the other thing that I started doing is I started applying this in my own life when I started researching it. So in 2005, Um, so 19 years, not 20 years. Yeah. But. It has also been transformational in my own journey. Um, to start looking, I started doing it. New year's Eve around new year's every year. Of like, what do I need to grow this year in what component of care in my life? And I started out with things early on. Like I grew up in the eighties, right. Yeah. It was like the Snackwell's generation. Yeah. Jane Fonda. Snackwell's right. Low fat, everything, no fat. Everything. Yes. So much processed food. Yeah. And so one of the things early on was like, what are healthy fats? Yes. Like, I didn't know. Right. Drink more water. Try an avocado. Oh, the cuddles are my favorite. I bet that's like, so California. Yeah. It's true. I do love avocados too, but that is like, California is in their avocados. Oh yeah, absolutely. I cling to them. I think they're the perfect food. Probably. I. I don't know. I think when you mix them into guac, that's like, There you go. And some tortilla chips, in some case, though, Oh, okay. Oh, there's your. There's where you're from. Okay. So in the Glock do go together, which I am. I got to do that. I've really missed. K so, oh gosh. Yes. Okay, so over here is not K. So bless their hearts. No. No, none of it, nor guac nor. Yeah. It's okay. Bless their hearts. It's okay. Uh, Scotland. We can't expect too much of them. So that's kind of how we got here is I practiced in my own life. Started very small, very slow, very foundational. And even things like figuring out like what I liked for movement. So all this stuff we'll talk about along the way, like what, what kind of got us to where we are now? Yeah. But being cared for those components. Are the foundation of anything else that you do in your world? Yeah. Absolutely. They absolutely are. Am I missing anything that we need to add? No, I don't think so. I think that. Probably just in my experience, maybe to. Tack on to the end of what I shared earlier. It's been what I perceived as a luxury. Has probably in the past 10 years, for me really thinking about. When, you know, my body started kind of going off with auto-immune things and screaming out to me, like take care of me, you know? Realizing that that was actually connected to nervous system and, you know, mental health and things like this. Um, Realizing that that is worth the fight. And. It's the key, I think, to just thriving, to, to being, um, and that so much grows out of that foundation. As you're talking about that really nothing comes from it, unless that foundation is laid. And I just fully agree. I think when you talk about. Anything else? It must. Be something that you fight for. Primarily. Yeah, so, and I think. For me, it's become, I think, you know, it's like, you don't realize how far you've come until you stop. Uh, And so for me, sometimes I forget that this is hard for people to start. Yeah, because I've been practicing it for so long. Yeah. And so I think it's such a good thing for you to note to others that are listening. Like, if this feels to you like a luxury. If this feels to you a little bit, like sure. Put your own mask on first Battelle. That is much as it may sound like a luxury, a. Can't do a, where do I even start? Yeah. That's why we're here. Right. We want to help you start in little ways to do those things. Yeah. One of the things I talk about with my clients. Sometime if you want to kind of assess like where you are. Is how often do you pee throughout the day? Oh, that's such a good measuring rod. Yes. That's such a good measurement. Because oftentimes if you're very disconnected from caring for yourself, You don't pee a lot throughout the day. Yeah. Or even I would add. Um, You just have you, you realize that you haven't paid. And you're in this emergency such sudden situation, which I have found myself in quite a few times. Sure. Suddenly I'm like, I didn't even clock the fact that I have had to pee. For hours. And now. I'm going to, I'm going to wet myself if I don't find something now, you know? And so even that is just being disconnected with your own self in such a really deep way. And so it's a great measurement. I agree. Yeah, because it's just like, you're talking about, it's showing how disconnected we are from our own bodies. Yeah. And also typically showing how little water we're drinking. Yes, absolutely. And so it's just, it's just a way to go. Like where am I on that? And then you start asking questions about like how much, how many times a day do you eat? Right. A lot of my clients, especially when they're like in acute stress or long-term stress. There'll be like, I start eating around too. Right. No, we're not going to get into intermittent fasting and all that. That's a different, but for people that are in like, Stressors. Yeah. High cortisol. That's not good. They are. Waking up stressed. And not noticing that their body is telling them when they're hungry. Yeah. No, not when they need to relieve themselves, not when they're hungry. And. It's just noticing for your body. Like, Hey, we're not on the same team. That's right. And when the, you know, the concept of it's a luxury to care for yourself. When it goes so deep as to say it would be a luxury for me to think about when I need to pee. Then, you know, like that does not add up. But we get there so quickly and it's all connected. And I think you you're noting how much of this is the. Basis of basis of this. Is late in childhood. Absolutely. Yeah. And so looking at your own story, And going, what was I taught about caring for myself, right. How did my primary caregivers. Care for themselves. That is a lot of the story. Yeah. And we'll note this a million more times in this podcast, but if anything we say say brings up things for you. And you're like, I need to talk to somebody about that. That is a time to find a really wise counselor. Yeah. That's right. And if you already have one then to just take notes of like, Hey, this came up for me. Take that into them. Yes. But you want to connect to your story through the work that we're doing here and you want to. Allow it to really be a part of how you see and understand yourself. If possible. That's what our hope is. Yeah. Yeah. So let's talk about what the components of care are. Okay. So I broke them down in the way that I work. So we're going to use. My definition cause that's our podcast. That's good. So that's, that's what we're going to do because we can't. Are there apparently is actually no police. That's going to tell me I need to do it. A different way, podcast police. Hopefully not yet. If there are. We'll find out, I guess we will come in for us. So the components for care. I have separated them out. And the first one is actually two together. So mental and physical care. The reason I've put them together as mental care in my definition refers to your precious brain. And all of your neuro-transmitters and your nervous system. And then physical, we're looking at like nervous system and bones, muscles cells. Microbiome. Yep. All of the things mentally and physically that are a part of your form, your precious form. That's what mental and physical care is. So your actual physical brain nervous system and your body. Your entire physical body, all the system systems in it. And. You want to look at those together because often what you're doing in terms of fueling your precious form, fueling your brain. Grounding your nervous system. All of those are so interlinked that I think it's important to put mental and physical care together. Yeah. Absolutely. So the next one is emotional care. And this refers to how you are caring for your feelings. Your thoughts? What I call gratitude and grieving, which we'll get into boundaries and how you're living on your side of the street. So it's kind of like your emotional overall holistic care. That's right. I think anyone in this world that's done work or is a therapist or a psychologist or a coach. Yeah. Has a different way of speaking about this. Yes. And we're just going to speak about it in the way that works for us. Yeah. Yeah. And it's a wonderful world of where there's a lot emerging and emotional intelligence and people have. Words and language for this stuff now more than ever before. And there's also just an acceptance. Um, for it. And it's also a time when it's a bit of the wild west and people put their own little definitions on these things, or, you know, they define them differently and stuff. So just worth kind of noting that. The times. Yeah. I agree with that. Yeah. So the next one is relational care, and this is kind of how you're doing in your relationships. Um, that can look at conflict communication. Co-regulation. Just how you are operating in your relationships with people close to you and with like people at the grocery store. The next one is spiritual care. This is going to be different for everyone. And again, we're going to note in each. Episode where we talk about our faith. That, that will be a part of that conversation. So for us spiritual care looks at our connection to ourself and our relationship with God. First other people, it could be. Whatever faith you are in how you're connected to that. Yeah. And for some, this could also be like how you serve and give to the world around you. Yeah. So they're all those kinds of components and together. Yeah, they acknowledgement of things that are bigger than you. Be it. You know, society, the world, be it spiritual entities, whatever you are, wherever you are. vocational care is an X one, which, um, would. I think in the seven dimensions of wellness as occupational, I use the term vocational because I think it encompasses passion and heart and. Uh, way in which, who you are meets a need in the world. I love that. So, It's basically like how and why you give your time talents. And giftings in a professional way. And that's not always paid work. Right. So we'll talk about that too. Yeah. The next one is environmental care. And this looks at the spaces that you inhabit. And that can be your car, your home, your office. Things like that. Yeah. And one's fascinating to me. I can't wait to talk about that then. Yeah. And then the other ones are the care of rest and solitude and the care of fun and adventure. Which is so for us, the ones that we're going to talk about as foundational in terms of the hallway, Our mental and physical, emotional, relational, spiritual. Yes. We probably will not get to in this season of the podcast, vocational, environmental rest and solitude and fun and adventure.'cause they really are ones that are for when you have a bit more margin. That's right. And data. Expecting that. In the hallway, right. Except that we will talk with you about how dreaming is happening. Right. So we'll touch on it in ways. Yes. But for this beginning to the podcast, we're going to talk about foundational components. Yes. And how they kind of work together. Right. To support the individual as they are navigating. What can really be the difficulty of the hallway. Yeah. Yes. And how it's helped us. Oh, absolutely. I looked at a picture yesterday. Of me right after COVID. Or we'll not right after COVID because COVID still exists, but right after lockdowns had finished. And. Um, right after my dad passed. And just, I looked at a picture of myself. I'll show it to you when we get off. And my face now. It's kind of shocking, really. Just Steve. You could see the stress. You were wearing it. I look about, so I'm 46. I look about 55 in the first time. Wow. Yeah, like it just look, I look old, I look tired. I look just kind of like Haggard. Oh, yeah. I have had those feelings many times where you just look in the mirror and you're like, All right. Um, Allie, this is your first clue. You need to pay attention to you because this is the first time he even looked in the mirror, you know? It's like, this is your face on stress, right? Yeah. Notice what you look like right now and not in a vanity way. We're not talking about. Looks and what the snake oil society has told us culturally, we need to attend to. To be what we're supposed to be. Right. I was going to bring that up because it is such a great nuance to talk about. And I think that for women. Uh, that's something that you have to hold on the table of all of the other things that we all hold. Right. How do you, you know, for me, it's like, you know, okay, well, self care is a bit of a luxury and kind of, you know, navigating that whole Chestnut and then also. How much do I really. The wellness industry and all of this and like snake oil society. And how much do I feed into my worth being. How I look and my appearance when actually you're my worth your worth, our worth as women is. Is just worthy. Of. Caring for like, I don't look at my child or something that I'm tending to you and say, Um, are you worth it today? Yeah. Or I'll, I'll I'll care for you so that you look good. Yeah. You know what I mean? I, I go, you need to, you need to be nourished. I love you. You know, You seem tired? Yeah. Why don't we go lay down and take a nap? Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Uh, the it's so good. A thing that you brought up, I'm going to go back to two things. One is worth. So, let us be clear from the beginning of this podcast. You have whoever you are listening. Yes. MI you Allene everyone else. Innate and measurable worth. That does not change from the time that you are born until the time you die. What you do with that worth is your choice. That's right. Your worth doesn't change. Say it for me right now. So you have innate and measurable worth. That is the same from the moment you took your first breath. Until the moment you take your last breath. That's right. Does not change. Yeah. And so that truth is why being cared for is so important. That's right, because it is a way that we remind ourselves of the truth of our worth. So that we can be all that we've been created to be. Reflect that into a world that needs it. Yeah. Yeah. And so your choices matter. Yes, absolutely. So the other thing I will say when we're talking about. Cultural definitions of attractiveness change, like a moving target and our all total BS, just fashion. That's it. Yeah. When I say, I didn't look good. I want to be very clear about what that means. Yeah. I looked gray. My eyes looked sunken. I looked kind of sickly. Um, so the looking older is because I just looked sick. Yeah. My hair looked kind of just flat and dead. Like my body just was, had had it. Yeah. I had had it. You're probably not drinking a lot of water on. You're probably not paying. The thing is yeah. I was okay. Cause I've been practicing this for so long. So I think that's part of it is there are times when we're doing all the things. Uh, and our precious bodies are still being asked to respond. Two more than they are capable of responding to. That's a very good point. And so what you're looking at now is the, that I did keep up with all my supplements. All my movement. Um, some, I think that my, probably how I was fueling my body and COVID was not as. As as it is now. So that's probably part of it. Yeah. But my, my body and my face, what you were looking at was grief. Stress. And moving in the middle of a global pandemic. And looking at me now is I've settled. My body is back to her practices that care for her. Well, I'm sleeping more. It's not fitful, not having as many bad dreams. So I do think it's important to note, like that's why being cared for so important is because it is. In those seasons. Even when we don't know it, ourselves are still absorbing that stuff because they're needing it so badly. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So what we're going to talk about next. Next episode. So, what we're going to talk about in the next episode is mental and physical. Care. And then we'll have another episode where we talk about emotional, relational and a little bit about spiritual care. Yes. So that's what we're going to do when we join you next, we hope you enjoy today's episode. Yeah, and we will see you soon.